I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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