Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
