You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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