I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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