roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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