I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
