It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
