u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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