Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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