I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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