I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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