1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am midnight drunk by noon
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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