Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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