I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
