I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I looked at my own cervix.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
