the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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