PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
