Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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