Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
