its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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