then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
