It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
