3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
