an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
