my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
