you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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