go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
