Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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