I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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