Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
