I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
