Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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