I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
