anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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