If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Vodka?
Forever.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
