ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
