Whod you bang
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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