Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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