so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
