Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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