Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize