Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I take back everything I said about communal showers
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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