he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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