I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
