Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
