she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Floor bacon is actually really good
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
