i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
