yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
