I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize