Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
