Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I need a burrito and a hug.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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