He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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