how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I need moral support for this bender
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
