Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
