I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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