Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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